Driving Me Mad

I was in my car at a stoplight.  Some guy wanted to turn left in front of me.  Against my better judgment, I waved him on. When I didn’t get the thank-you wave, I threw my arm up in a you-big-jerk-I-just-did-you-a-favor-and-you’re-supposed-to-wave wave. He didn’t respond.

Moments later, some car was getting too affectionate with my rear bumper. I tapped the brakes.  The driver jumped in her seat then her finger popped up like a jack-in-the box to remind me I am number one.

Why doesn’t the state driver’s test include the really important stuff? I don’t care how many points you get for passing a school bus or what to do if you’re being chased by a wild mongoose. What people really need to know is which shade of green means “go” and when to let another car in front of them.

I’ve composed this short list of points that all drivers should know but don’t.

1. The Thank You Wave.  A simple concept, really. If another driver does you a favor, you wave. I don’t care if you are shifting with one hand and driving with your forehead. When some woman in a minivan burdens seven other drivers just so you can turn left out of that donut shop, you wave “thank you”. Period.
2. Nice Guy Points.  Some people like to do good deeds to get into Heaven.  However, I’m-Such-A-Nice-Person points should never be earned at the expense of others. If ten drivers are inconvenienced so you can help one, forego the points and donate to charity instead.
3. Color Definition.  Stoplights offer many shades of green. Blue-green.  Pale green.  Lime green. However, there is a simple principle regarding green lights: They all mean “go”. At a stoplight is not the best time to adjust your makeup or berate your children for spilling orange juice in the car. The best way to pass time at a stoplight is by staring at the light and waiting for it to turn green.
4. The Passing Lane.  On any four+ lane highway, the left lane is for passing and passing only. That’s why they call it the passing lane. It’s not the sightseeing lane. Or the my-car-is-on-fire-and-I-don’t-know-what-to-do lane. If you find yourself in the left lane, take a look out of the passenger window. If you do not see another car, you’re driving in the wrong lane.
5. Tailgating.  Because tailgating is illegal, it’s best only to tailgate for a valid reason. If the driver in front of you is driving more than 3 mph below the speed limit, tailgating might urge him to speed up. However, if you can’t see his head above his seat or his hair is white, he is probably just trying to avoid hitting anything so you’d best give him a wide berth and pass on the dotted line.

There are probably more points that should be addressed, but since I’ve been sitting at this stoplight writing this article, I’ve been getting a lot of angry stares and a few people even honked. I think it’s time to go.