The Only Drug I Want

Americans love drugs.  The idea of taking a little pill to solve all of your problems is so infinitely appealing that Americans spend hundreds of billions of dollars on drugs every year. 

We have pills to get you up and pills to bring you down.  Pills to make you skinny and pills that fatten you up.  Pills that help you breathe and pills that stop you from breathing too much.  We even have pills to give to our children when they’re really getting on our nerves so instead of spanking them and getting arrested for it, you can drug them up to calm them down.

And in the hundreds of thousands of magic pills that are readily available in this country, not one of them is designed to make people want to have sex with you.

Let’s face it.  This is the only kind of drug people actually want.  We’ll put up with allergies, obesity, and even our annoying kids if we could just manage to get someone to sleep with us.  And all the money, time, and energy people use trying to get sex – including perfume, plastic surgery, gym memberships, clubbing, makeup, and alcohol – could be redirected toward the pharmaceutical industry.

I used to work with a guy who probably not only bathed in cologne, but also did his laundry in it.  I could smell him about an hour and a half before I saw him and I’m certain he thought this fragrance would make women want to sleep with him.  He was a good-looking guy.  Maybe if he had a nice time-release cologne pill I would have considered shacking up with him.  As it was, I just ran away screaming.

And why isn’t there a drug out there to give me that sexy raspy voice that always comes at the end of a cold?  I could have that voice without it feeling like seventy little kitten claws are dragging down my esophagus and the unattractive hacking cat-with-a-fur-ball cough that inevitably accompanies the cold.  Give me the voice without the pain and I could seduce anyone anywhere at any time.

But by far the most important drug we need is a fall-in-love-with-me potion.  Something that makes men want to suck on my toes and fan me with fig leaves while feeding me an endless supply of Rothschild Bordeaux.  I’d get all the sex I want and, as a side benefit, the drug would make him take out the garbage, build me a house, and have dinner waiting for me when I get home. 

It could work both ways.  Men could have a drug that made women want to spend entire Saturdays watching college football while doing nothing but cooking, eating, and having sex with them.

If the pharmaceutical industry really wants to grow its profits, this should be the next step.  Everyone wants it and everyone thinks they’re not getting enough of it.

I better go.  I’m pretty sure Pfizer is waiting to hear from me.