Riding Ken

Lately, I often find myself at those large networking events where thousands of 2” x 3.5” cards change hands, ties are not optional, and the usual greeting resembles brochure copy that’s crammed into a 15 second life story. Very “I was born then school married kids kayaking very important now you need me let’s chat after I wink” statements. Eventually, the words begin run together and the mock salespeople seem suspiciously like clones after just a few minutes and twice as many martinis.

I was manning a booth with some colleagues for a professional organization I belong to. I knew these fellow members well enough to call them by their first names and share a few drinks, but not well enough for them to witness the following interaction.

A tall blonde Ken doll starts eyeballing me from across the room. His bright blue shirt set off his bright blue eyes which were further accentuated by his Aryan could-be-a-Nazi streaky blonde hair. It took me just under six seconds to conclude the following:

• Ken has a gym membership
• At a gym with tanning beds
• When he’s not at the gym, he’s selling something
• Though some people might say he’s conning someone into buying something they don’t want, don’t need, and can’t afford
• As he’s walking toward me, I discover that he is not opposed to jewelry and, as such
• Enjoys cheese. And I don’t mean the kind you eat.

I’m standing there in my terribly sophisticated red suit looking, I think, very adult like. You know, professional and terribly important. Not to be recknoned with.

“Do you like piggyback rides?” He asks, after walking straight toward me in a cocky bee-line to I’m-gonna-git-some-tonight. He is showing far too many teeth.

“What an odd question.”

“Just answer it. Do you like them?”

“Uh, I’m not sure.”

“Well, I’d like to take you on one.”

“I’m afraid now isn’t a good time.” By now, one of my (married with children) colleagues is paying attention. Though his back is to me and loverboy, I can see just enough of his face to know that the corner of his mouth has moved his cheek up a half inch or so in a not-very-subtle smile.

Ken is used to thinking on his feet, since surely he has to react to endless rejection from people unwilling to buy what he’s selling. He quickly changes direction in an impressive 180, trying desperately to adapt and achieve his action-tonight objective.

“I’m Kurt.” Ken, Kurt. It’s all the same. I tell him my name.

“What do you do?”

“I’m a consultant.”

“Oh, how interesting. Who are you with?” His very blue eyes match his very blue shirt as they stare at me with great interest. I’m painfully aware of what he’s selling. 

I ignored the question.  He didn’t notice.  “What about you?”

“I’m a sales manager” ding ding ding “in telecom.”

“So tell me about the company.” As he proceeds to do this, I start wondering if he can see the faint white film that seems to be covering my eyelids with apathy and boredom.

“So, can I get your number. I’d like to take you out sometime.”

“Uh…” By this time, my colleague’s grin is full on. Fortunately, he’s the only one at the table who’s paying any attention. All my attempts at seeming like the enviable and very important professional have been adequately quashed.

“Oh, come on. I saw you from across the room and knew I had to meet you. It’s just a number. Would you go out with me?”

“I’m not sure.”

“You’re not sure? What would make you sure?” And if it will help turn things my way, I’ll toss in this free, no-strings-attached pen set, complete with a clock and refillable liquid ink pen, sure to be a lovely addition to your desk.

“Uh. If you don’t annoy me, I can be sure.”

“Uh… er… ah… how do I keep from annoying you?”

He’s not getting the point. “Well, that’s something you’ll have to figure out.”

I give him my card just to make him go away.

“Uh. Thanks?”

“You’re welcome. And thank YOU!” As he walks away, I watch his perfectly tight ass wrapped in perfectly tailored pants and shake my head.

My colleague turns to me and says, “Well, you can make a lot of interesting business connections at these things, but there’s also a lot of that,” nodding his head in the direction of K-man “too.”